I fell so far so fast... 'In the end; your alone with it all...' - Tony Soprano
Mon Jul 12 2021
I will be brief. I have battled/managed mental illness and addiction my whole life. I never had the courage to bring it up with my family or ask for help, partially out of a sense of embarrassment and shame, partially because I didn't want to burden them.
To give you some idea I am bi polar and I have smoked marijuana every day since the age of 13. Like many people I experimented with drugs as a youth. Although I certainly found myself doing cocaine more than I was happy with prior to the pandemic, and I did believe it was a problem and that I was an addict, it was very manageable, steady, and somewhat predictable.
The very first day in March, when I got sent home because of the Pandemic, seemingly inexplicably and for no reason whatsoever I went and bought cocaine.
My habit, which had been steady for more than a decade at approximately 200-600$ a month exploded into a 1000-1500$ a week problem. I had never in my lifetime of drug use stayed up multiple nights and now found myself only sleeping 2 nights a week as a result of doing approximately half ounce (14 grams) of cocaine weekly.
I'm essentially still in that rut I just described, hoping to God that I can breakout of it before I die. With that magnitude of use it certainly won't be long.
If you read this please pray for me.